Boundaries
Ever have that feeling that something isn’t right? You don’t know what it is but it feels…off. You’re not quite comfortable but also you’re not sure if you should feel uncomfortable. What IS it?
That feeling of contraction means something isn’t in alignment with you; a boundary has been encroached on. But you ask yourself “Should I be upset about this?” and try to rationalize it away - getting validation from other people so they can tell you whether they think it’s okay or not, questioning your feelings about it… Are you overreacting? This reaction is most common among people who have experienced extensive gaslighting. It usually starts in childhood and causes people to struggle with accepting whether their feelings or perceptions are accurate. And it doesn't stop there, it carries over throughout their life until they become conscious of it and begin to deeply embrace their self-worth.
Here is the bottom line, if it doesn’t feel “right” or good to you, something IS off. You don’t need to justify why it feels that way or question whether or not you’re allowed to feel that way. Your discomfort is enough.
So what do you do about this?
It all starts with awareness. Figure out what your boundaries are.
It’s helpful to understand why they are what they are (this helps deepen your commitment to them). You don't need to justify them and they don't have to make sense to others. They're YOUR boundaries.
Reflect on past experiences
Think of times when you didn’t feel good about something. Who was involved and what was the situation? Underneath your initial reaction, what was really triggering you? I’d suggest you journal on this. When I journal, I like to start with a general question or statement and let it flow. For example, “I was very upset when ____________ and it made me feel ___________” then write freely. You'll find it's usually something much deeper than you initially thought.
Get clear on your values
A priority here is to figure out what they are. This is essential to understanding why your boundaries are what they are. There is a lot of information out there about finding your values and I’ll write a future blog post about it too.
How do you set boundaries?
Decide: people can’t say/do/treat me like this
Understand that you don’t need to make people understand why a boundary is a boundary if you don’t want to.
Your boundaries are your boundaries and if you’re not comfortable with something, you don’t need to explain or justify. If you're in a relationship, helping your partner understand them is helpful so keep that in mind.
What do you do when you feel a boundary has been violated?
Speak up. Yes this is uncomfortable and yes, you’ll feel resistance about this but it’s how you reinforce your boundaries and show people how to treat you. You'll find so much of it is how you view yourself, how you treat yourself, and how to talk about yourself.
Become more selective about who you spend time with and remember that actions speak louder than words so sometimes you have to show people. This means walking away from a situation that doesn’t feel good and not agreeing to engage at all if you feel like you just *know* it won’t go well.
You’re worth respect, from yourself and others.
