The new rules of dating
We’re inundated with opinions, judgments, and criticisms. Whether you want to hear it or not, they have something to say and you're gonna hear it.
Self-help books, podcasts, tv shows - you name it - tackle this topic. Somehow things seems worse though. I’m no love expert (is that even really a thing?) but I will tell you what worked for me and my previously single and now happily coupled up friends – we found what worked for us and went with it.
Still, there were common threads that made all the difference and took us from oh my God I can't date anymore to our current happily *taken* status. We all took time to reflect on our patterns (how did we seem to date the same type of guy over and over?), face our traumas (real stuff that you don't want to talk about unless you're prepared to trauma dump on people) and own our role in previous relationships (we weren't perfect - who knew?!). No more avoidance, no deflecting, no excuses. Radical responsiblity. We asked for support when we needed it and supported others through their healing process. We figured out what our values are and became very clear about why they are what they are. We sought to understand boundaries, what are ours, how they work and how do we hold and enforce them?
We came to an obvious conclusion - we’re imperfect and we decided we don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks about our decisions. It’s not their life. We don’t bother worrying about what other women are doing and we know that there is greatness in each of us. We stopped the comparisons and found a healthier way to lift ourselves (and others) up. We understand the value of friendships and enjoy those friendships without competition or a need to prove our worth. We’re worthy because we are. No conditions, no circumstances that make us more or less. We came to a place where we felt like we're enough just as we are and we found people who reflected that back to us.
Ready to get there? This will be uncomfortable. It will require brutal honesty, self-reflection, owning your part in whatever situation you’re currently in and taking responsibility to change what you don’t like.
So here are the new rules:
Heal. I mean really, drop the excuses and make a resolution that you’re going to deal with your shit. It’s not always someone else’s fault. What's your pattern? Start with what you can control.
Figure out what your values are. The internet has lots of resources, so find something that resonates with you.
Figure out what your boundaries are. I wrote a previous blog about this.
Own your value and worth and learn to stop seeking validation (particularly from unhealthy sources).
Set standards for what you will and won’t accept. You’re worth it.
Stop the man/woman hating. Really, it’s not a good look.
Level yourself the fuck up. Take better care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Put effort into your appearance and etiquette. Manners say a lot about a person.
Stop dating for a while. Until you have more of this figured out, really, remove yourself from the dating pool and take time to reassess.
Here is the main one: BE YOURSELF. Seriously, it’s time to get back to authenticity and self-acceptance.
I’ve noticed how fake society has become. Full of fear, a need to impress, wanting what we *think* we should want vs. wanting what we actually want. Doesn’t it get…boring?
It starts with a single step. Until next time - cheers.
